First blog

Sometimes there are days when Dad wants to just get in the car and drive over and say hi or just hug Kaylee.  There have been so many times like this but we never did out of fear of what would happen. Lately I have had a lot of regret.  If I only knew back than what I did now, Kaylee would still be in our lives.  I have been hearing stories of parents who have fought for years to be able to see their children and I wish we had fought more than the three years that we did.  I wish we didn't leave her.  We miss her so much.  I know she doesn't remember but Dad and her use to have so much fun on their days together.  The smile on her face in all the pictures says it all.  Her smile is HUGE.  She loved her dad more than anything.  Sometimes I wonder if she remembers the day she asked her mom how come her dad wasn't coming to see her anymore.  I wonder what the mom told her at seven years old.  I wonder what a seven year old who sees her dad a few times a week and than he just disappears thinks.  She may not remember now, but I know the day she was told her dad would no longer be around changed her life forever.  My only hope is that as she grows, she may one day want a relationship with her sisters.  I can only hope that as an adult she will realize that people don't just leave their children and go on to be the best dad ever to their next kids.  And at the same time, part of me wants her to blame us for the rest of her life.  I feel like blaming us would cause her less pain than the truth.  The truth that her mom did everything in her power to make sure her dad would never see her again.  For Kaylees sake, I almost hope she doesn't see the truth, I can't even imagine the pain of discovering the one person who was suppose to love me unconditionally has been lying to me my whole life.  There is nothing that can fix the damage that has been done.  There will forever be a large scar on our family.  From this day forward I no longer hope Kaylee will be reunited with us.  My hope for her is that she is strong enough to overcome the alienation, that she will go on to great things and be happy.  That is our only hope, that the alienation has not damaged her forever, though we know this is not possible.